Love is our involuntary response to virtue.
"Love" like "virtue", is derived from actions, not defined by words.
We cannot love bad people. If we claim to love bad people, we cannot claim to love virtue. If do not love virtue, we must ourselves be bad people.
I think this is a profound truth that is too often overlooked in our most intimate relationships with friends and family. When I consider the few people whom I truly love, I can see that I love them because they are genuinely good people. I do not have to will myself to love them. I simply love them.
I also found the idea of "Quality Control" applied to interpersonal relationships to be absolutely fascinating. If you value someone close to you then invariably you will want them to be happy, because that will ensure your happiness. Happiness in interpersonal relationships can be achieved by understanding and acting upon the preferences of another person. To understand their preferences (and to help them understand), you simply ask them, "How is your experience of me as a friend? Is there anything I can do to make this relationship more positive for you? Have you any new feeling or preferences that you would like to discuss?"
So it may sound a bit cheesy and business-like, but then I wonder how the hell people are communicating with each other if they don't ask these questions. It seems like getting feedback is the only way to ensure that a relationship does not end. Now that I have read this, I see how it is applicable to countless relationships I've had in my life. When my friendships slowly fade away, it is because we stop asking about each other. When we talk after many months, we fundamentally don't understand what makes the other tick, nor do we ask any substantial questions. After a few of these types of empty conversations, we rarely talk again. It's sad and so entirely preventable by doing maintenance of this sort.
So I know I've a limited audience right now, but if anybody happens across this through a rather brilliant stroke of Internet luck, consider applying this to the relationships that are important to you. But for now, here is a free demo. This is me applying the idea, hoping my limited audience will answer.
I would be very sad if we drifted apart and rarely talked, so I'll probably be doing this fairly often.
How is your experience of me as a friend?
Is there anything I can do to make this relationship more positive for you?
Is there anything you'd like to talk about?
"Happiness in interpersonal relationships can be achieved by understanding and acting upon the preferences of another person."
ReplyDeleteWhat if they ask something of you that you can't provide?
And here are my answers:
-My experience of you as a friend is that you are very generous, but not in a way where I get the impression that you feel it's an obligation. I think you are very loyal to those who you feel deserve your respect.
-I have to preface this by saying that, in my opinion, there's absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship. Our conversations have helped me learn so much about you, but I'm feeling sort of a disconnect between the emotional closeness and the length of time I've known you. You have a very intimate knowledge of me that most people don't, but only because you've asked me about it. My other friendships have a similar amount of value to me, but without the intimate knowledge that you have, but instead there are shared life experiences that have solidified that bond. You and I don't have that, so it's definitely different. However, I must say that my relationship with you is one of the most honest I've ever had, and I really appreciate that. I think if we had the shared life experiences aspect as well then that would just be like icing on an already delicious cake. I feel the same as you, though, in the way that I would be sad if you weren't in my life anymore. You know, empty birdhouse in my soul and all of that. I really mean that.
-How would you answer those questions?
I shouldn't have posted that so soon, because I have more to add...
ReplyDeleteaddendum to the first question: My experience of you is that you ask me challenging questions, which serves 2 purposes: you get to learn about me and I get to learn about myself. That is, I get to put into words the emotions I feel, which explains the reasons why I do things. This is important to me.